Sheridan’s grand failure. Thursday, Oct 25 2007 

As you can see, I’m about to lay into Greg Sheridan about a recent piece: Howard’s grand failure. Now, I don’t want to be one of those hatchet-pricks who simply slashes tires on the journo jeep for the fun of it. So, let’s start this by seeing where we share some common ground.

Well, can’t say I didn’t try. It’s rare that I find myself agreeing with you, Greg, on anything but the rawest facts. But you have it pretty much set until the end of the fifth paragraph. I can agree up to there. We can agree to disagree from there on in, regarding the relative competence of State governments. We can also agree to disagree on the relevant roles of the major broadsheets and the ABC in that state of affairs.

There is one thing though, Greg, which underlines this ill-formed and multi-directional screed, on which I really want to take you to task. This is something on which we cannot simply agree to disagree, because it is your philosophical foundation. This is one time where, quite obviously and blatantly, you are way off in the wrong orbit. In fact, the multi-direction incoherence of this piece of writing serves as a prime example of what I am going to talk about. It comes from the very failure of a central idea, a philosophical failure of neo-conservative thinking which underwrites your outpouring of epic despair in the above article. Your failure of understanding is in your espousal of the very idea of a culture war, and thereby the resultant possibility of losing one. It is in this idea of culture itself as a war.

Let’s consider this very notion of a culture war. Now, it’s an inherently neo-conservative idea of yours that I’m discussing here. This idea states that you can and should eradicate the opposition’s cultural values from society, thereby creating a great homogeneity of opinion. This apparently generates social cohesion. Such a move is called “winning the culture wars”. You, however, claim to be about to “lose the culture wars”.

That’s an interesting notion. My first question would be, when did you actually begin to lose? As Sun Tzu says, the wily victor wins the war without engaging the battle; he convinces his enemy to leave the field of his own accord. You didn’t try to win through actually moving the foundations of debate. Instead, you lot ran out into the land hungry for ideological blood. You gutted a political party and hoisted its carcass in the air as a puppet. And so, your culture wars were lost the minute they were declared. You lost when that feral abacus Hewson tried to economize the core of the nation’s identity into submission. You lost the minute Kemp drove McPhee from Goldstein. Most of all, you lost well before Hawke’s time, when the ever-tactical Howard turned to the newest wave of pseudo-intellectual fashion sweeping the right, and morphed into a new-born neo-con.

Greg, seriously. Here is the current problem for yourself as much as the conservative parties. Having become neo-cons, dedicated to winning a culture war, they aren’t conservative any more. They are radicals. Greg, you simply have to accept that the neo-cons, in attempting a homogeneity of opinion, in silencing dissent amongst their ranks, of promoting a leadership cult, of following ideologies blindly, are now the TROTSKYITES OF THE RIGHT. You can wiggle, you can declare this spurious, but you can’t get past that one, Comrade Sheridan. You are just as blind as they were (but thankfully not so murderous – …children overboard?).

We could stop here, but let’s kick this corpse for a little while longer, given the harm it’s caused our social fabric to date.

Why didn’t your neo-conservative views catch on outside the Liberal party and some affiliated associations in the business community? Why were institutions so resistant? The ideological danger becomes obvious over time, you see. Now, the public have become aware that the institutions you complain about were right all along to oppose you. Thanks to WorkChoices – the political own goal of the last hundred years – the Australian public are awakening to the fact that the current administration is full of dangerous ideologues, who are just as keen on WorkChoices as Chifley was on nationalized banks. Australians rightly reject ideologues. They rejected Chifley, his successors and the very Labor Party itself, delivering them 23 years of Opposition despair…

Your notion of a “culture war” now marks you to the Australian public as an ideologue, just as blatantly as selling Green Left Weekly and Che badges at the Queen Victoria Market on a Saturday morning. Being ideologues, your neo-con Liberals have therefore begun to head off towards the same irrelevance as the traditional Labor socialists face. The pendulum has swung, and your so-called left-of-centre is the centre after all. As it always was – funnily enough, it’s similar to where Menzies was sitting in the first place. Fiscal conservatism, leavened with social welfare, aimed at benefiting the middle class majority, with a strong dose of moral fibre.

Now, why do you think its likely that you all failed to see this coming? Simple. You failed because you let conformity of thought rule over creative intellectualism. Unlike the other parties, you have renounced the very intellectual fabric and diversity of opinion that could have helped you through this dark time, in favor of your own ideological sophistry and groupthink. Each of you, to a person, is a pseudo-intellectual of the worst degree.

Yes, your neo-conservatives are pseudo-intellectuals. Just watch how they handle scientific data or academic opinion. They even say that common sense (whatever that is) is better than a reasoned argument. For further evidence, let’s consider the bunch of rabid anti-intellectuals who dominate the Liberal neo-conservative ranks of today. My god, the tragedy that is Joe Hockey’s mind for one. Kevin Andrews, for another. Helen Coonan. Tony Abbott. Brendan Nelson. Mark Vaile. Christopher Pyne. Alexander Downer. Peter Costello. Malcolm Turnbull. From the Prime Minister downwards, intellectual lightweights, one and all.

That’s the fundamental reason why you can’t reform those institutions of which you complain so bitterly. You fail here because they are founded on academic values. And they reject this bilge for the nonsense that it is. Including anarcho-conservatives like me, who are no Labor Party friends. Why? Because when people trained in academic process view your opinions, they see them as the flimsy tissue of ideological bullshit that they are. And all you can sustain in putting forward such half-baked ideas is that you will attract idiots to your cause. You see, the ABC and the Public Services draw enormously on university graduates for their rank and file staff. These are people who learned about things like process and evidence, structure and logic, meaningful debate and the joy of intellectual work. These are the very values on which the western society you espouse is grounded. Why wouldn’t they reject you?

And so we get to the deep reason for failure, Greg, which we’ve both already hinted at: you lot actually have no world view at all. There is no sustainable neo-con world view. Show me one, Greg, I’m waiting. There is instead a necessarily parochial ensemble of political expediency and economic superstition – how can I best arrange the system to suit me, my family and those immediately like me, while adhering to ideological articles of faith for public show of Trot-like solidarity?

Now, you might argue that you actually do have a world view. But you haven’t demonstrated it. Not one bit. You’ve moaned about your lack of representation. You have complained, despite the fact that you have a media vehicle that many of us who comment online would die for, in your role at the Australian. So show us the world-view money, Greg. Stop whining and start demonstrating. Write a book about it, for God’s sake.

But for now, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you do have one, and you can show it. Sign me up for a copy. But even here, I know you will fall over too. This is because you won’t want to earn your place at the table of thought through academic rigor. Instead, you’ll insist you deserve one. This is because you have this fantasy view which states that just because you have a “world view”, you are entitled to equal coverage.

This approach – to be deserving of equal time, to be fair and balanced – is a common plea amongst those who can’t actually raise an argument: “We deserve equal time, simply because we present an alternative”. Now, where have I heard this approach before?

Hmm… what about Creationism?

Exactly. You’re that seriously shonky in the logic department. Please think again, because when you request a Griffith Review equivalent, I have to say: “On what grounds should we give equal time to your views, seeing as your claim to time is structurally indistinct to that of a Creationist?”

We could go on like this, but I want to end on a constructive note. I’ll finish by saying:

“Hey, Greg, it’s a free market, so go start your own university. If that’s too much an ask, then start your own academic journal or think-tank. John Roskam did that, to his credit. If you can’t do any of that, then just try for once to see why we might disagree with your socially divisive and anti-intellectual policies. And, failing that, you’ll have to lump it, sucker”.

A Minor Suggestion: Let’s Privatize Parliament. Monday, Oct 22 2007 

It’s often said that the most efficient way to take care of any economic activity is to privatize it. Go anywhere in this land of neo-conservative policy, and you’ll find a monumental statue of Ayn Rand holding out the severed hand of Adam Smith. Gone are the days of the social welfare state: today’s informed Objectivist knows that selfishness is good, because it forces you to reap many damn fat cheques, enabling a bogan empire of noblesse oblige-me.

Now, I’m just as big a believer in the efficient as any of you peeps out there in economy-land, so pay attention. I have a minor suggestion for making life more efficient. I reckon this suggestion might just save us some dollars and thus enlarge our wallets; at the very least, it could make for excellent telly.

You see, I love that word efficient. So often stated, so rarely thought all the way through. And the one thing that’s most often not thought all the way through is just how weird actual efficiency often looks against assumed, theoretical efficiency. And in the case I’m about to discuss, this has never been more true.

This suggestion concerning efficiency touches on our beloved Federal Parliament. I have to admit, this is close to my heart. I’ve always loved a good Question Time; like any other red-blooded male, I find it hard to control my manly thoughts when confronted with Hansard (Grrr, Tony Abbott. I’m licking at you). But recent developments in Parliament have dented my affections. Idiots as dense and poisonous as Strontium-90 have gained control of the house, stifling constructive dialogue. Clueless, feckless trogs have infested our institutions, tearing passers-by to pieces in Bluetooth-headset co-ordinated, blitzkreig naughty-monkey attacks. Bloodless, unimaginative mechanoids have gained ministerial privilege, clogging up the works with ill-conceived misplans and aborted pork. Is there any way we can rectify the situation?

Given the problem, I think about what I would do, if this were a concern under my own sway. If I were the setter of the policy agenda. If I were a rich man, diddle didle… One solution springs to mind. And it’s sure a doozy…

I reckon that we ought to privatize Parliament.

Now, you might be thinking: What? Stick it to all those green-jacket peeps, the ones who pass out the water glasses and carry the mace, and let Spotless Catering run the show? Get the House cleaners on $3.25 minimum wage and bus in the scabs to break the inevitable tea-lady picket?

No. I reckon we ought to privatize Parliament itself.

Now the penny drops. Yes, there’s the very idea. Let’s put the government itself out to bloody tender. Why? Well, we all know that competition is the very soul of efficient management. Why? Because the Mentoks over at the HR Nicholls society will it so.

So, rather than have just one federal Parliament, let’s have several competing Parliaments, fighting it out amongst each other for your precious tax dollar. In fact, I propose that we let anyone with a valid corporate structure and a reputation start a parliament themselves and begin collecting taxes for rendered services.

You might think I’ve taken leave of my senses. But why not? After all, we all know (thanks to the past 30 years of conservative realpolitik) that 1) Privatization is inherently and necessarily better without exception 2) Competition is better than monopoly without exception and 3) Markets should always set the tone, without government interference.

So, what better way to achieve all three than to simply convert Parliament into an object of market freedom? What better way to ensure good policy every time, than to have multiple Parliaments compete for my tax dollar! And what better way to make sure that everyone gets the Leadership they want, or – even better – that they can drum up some angel capital to provide the kind of Leadership they feel should be available on the Parliament market. Not only that, we’ve just created a new industry to soak up all that under-utilized labor we know is really hiding behind those magical unemployment figures. Yes, you too could have a Jim’s Parliament franchise out Keilor Downs way! Live the Aussie dream!

Sounds good. Now, just imagine what our outgoing PM, Ming the Miniscule and his disloyal deputy Captain Smirk are thinking right now… I bet you any sum of money you choose to name that they would wet their pants in terror if confronted with this process in all its anarchic glory. That they might have actual competition? Holy crap. You can’t be serious, Batman.

….

Well, I’m not. And there you have it: the rationale for this piece is simply to pop a bubble. You, the astute reader, knew this was a shit-stir from moment one above when I sprung the trap. Andrew Bolt, on the other hand, was halfway through forwarding the link to the HR Nicholls Society when he realized what was up (at last…)

You see, one thing that economic rationalists will never contemplate privatizing is their own power base in any given Parliament. They’ll argue some bunk such as: Privatiztion is Not Suitable for Parliament, because of (insert sanctimonious hypocrisy here).

But if that very institution itself is considered unsuitable for privatization, despite the obvious superiority of privatization which they incessantly preach, then this question follows:

Then why should privatization be the necessarily superior approach in any other field of activity?

You see, if you won’t do it to Parliament, the most important and inefficient of all our institutions, then what justifies this approach for anything else in society? Or does the inability to apply it to Parliament simply show the dark stalking horse here: that privatization is an ideological choice, and not necessarily the best option for anything?